It’s back-to-school time and for many of us, it’s “take a kid to college” time too.
I see the images coming across my Instagram feed and the stories filtering over my Facebook page.
Parents hugging, kissing, laughing, sorting, hauling, setting up (exquisite) dorm rooms, exploring, letting go, laughing some more, and crying.
I have 1 heading off for her second full year at UT, and to be honest, I have some really mixed emotions right now.
You see, our original college dropoff was fall of 2021 when we left our oldest as a HS senior for her to attend the Texas Academy of Math and Science up at the University of North Texas.
To be honest, I had an idealized vision of what it would be like to move her into her dorm. I’d use my background as a professional interior designer to help her create a beautiful, charming, inviting place of respite and calm amid the challenges of college.
I pictured helping her move in and get everything settled, pictures hung, lights strung, and a fuzzy throw blanket across the back of her desk chair. Kissing and hugging goodbye I’d cry on the way home, having dropped my eldest off, knowing things would never be the same again.
Well, I cried on the way home, but for a very different reason than I thought I would.
For starters, she wanted nothing to do with my vision of a fabulous dorm room. Utilitarian was her battle cry and she wanted it as sterile and stark as possible. No throw rugs, sparkle lights or beautiful art. Not for this girl.
I finally wrapped my mind around that, and at least looked forward to helping her move in with what she did let me get her.
Instead, as we got there and began unloading, she definitely didn’t want help putting her room together. I kept hovering, trying to help, but she was on a mission. Everything unpacked by herself and set up by herself.
She didn’t want any input or help from me other than taking out the trash.
In fact, she couldn’t get us out of there fast enough.
I get this. I do. This was about her, not me. But it was really tough for me.
That’s how it is with expectations. We have a vision, how it “should” be, of whatever it is…marriage, parenthood, our work, or, more specifically, moving a kid into college, the empty nest, our “retirement” years…
And for some reason, our expectations are way off base.
What do we do then?
It’s how we handle these unmet expectations that can really take our joy in life off course.
But the magic is that this is where we get to practice the skills we work on, our lovingkindness, our generosity, our patience, our trustworthiness.
During the difficult times are when those skills really count.
When we are able to manage our thoughts so they are working for us instead of against us.
When we can generate good feelings for ourselves in the midst of, let’s face it, less than perfect/desirable circumstances.
I’m so thankful that this year I have a lot more developed skills in this area than I did 2 years ago.
Now when Amelia insists on doing everything herself, I can notice her actions and if I start feeling rejected, I can recognize that it hurts, let myself sit with it until that feeling dissipates, then, I can change my thinking and think how thankful I am she’s so self-sufficient and focused on what’s most important to her.
Because when I think how grateful I am she’s confident and purposeful, I feel happy and even more grateful and hopeful for her future, which helps me be a more supportive and encouraging Mother. (Which is what I want to be!)
Oh, and I can have her Dad take her back down to college without me, which will let us all breathe a bit easier. 🙂
I know life isn’t like all those pictures I see on my social media. But going through this exercise helps me stay on track a whole lot more, and I hope it will help you too!
Love you and cheering you on,
Christy 🙂
P.S. If you’re curious about this “Think-feel-act” model I keep talking about, my coach Edie Wadsworth has opened her coaching program for a limited time. You can go here to find out more information. (Not an affiliate, just a BIG fan!)