Let me ask you a question…

When it comes to doing certain things in your life, do you do them because you want to do them, or have to do them?

Let’s take something like making dinner for your family.

I don’t know about you, but I’m responsible for the nightly dinner in our house. When my husband retired, he tried taking over these duties, but I didn’t like what he did, so I took that one back myself.

The thing is, I really don’t like cooking.

At all.

To me, it’s just a lot of time and energy for something that’s over with in minutes. I’d be just as happy (maybe even happier) with a bowl of cereal and toast. (Can you see why I struggle with too many carbs? haha)

Anyway, I just don’t like cooking.

I don’t like the planning, the grocery shopping…don’t even get me started on the Kroger app…the unpacking the shopping…the cleaning…the putting away…the pulling out and prepping…the cooking itself.

I do usually enjoy the eating…

And I really enjoy what happens around the table during and after the eating.

The conversation.

The laughter.

Even the arguments.

And most of all, I love how a full tummy and plenty of time seem to be a key that opens my son’s heart and mouth, and what happens in that golden time is often like a window to his soul.

I still don’t like cooking. (I know, this is just a thought, and I could change that thought if I really wanted to…I’m working on it…)

But I really LOVE what cooking that nightly dinner does for the relationship between me and my son and my husband.

So even though I don’t want to cook dinner for my family night after night. I try to do it at least 3-4 nights a week to get to what happens when I do it.

And suddenly, that “I don’t want to” thought becomes a “I get to” thought.

And as I’ve thought this through (last night was an unusually tasty and fun meal, resulting in my son and husband heading out for ice cream afterwards) I realize that there are many areas of my life, where if I would just push through and DO the thing I really don’t want to do, my “don’t want to” just might change into a “I get to,” and that sounds pretty good to me.

I hope you “get to” do more of what brings you joy this week.

Love ya,

Christy

P.S. I also “get to” write ​books​ about my favorite subjects, God and Pickleball. If you want to take a peek, ​here’s a link​ to make it easy for you. xoxo

The post Why I Do What I Don’t Want To Do appeared first on Christy Largent.

This week I’ve been head down and digging deep to make progress on the gift book/devotional I’m writing.

It’s centered around how we can live out the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.)

The plan is to get the devotional up and available for purchase on Amazon by mid-November. (Just in time for holiday sales!)

This is a devotional for Pickleball players who want to do better managing their mind. It’s called “Dink Positive Thoughts.” (A dink is a foundational shot you hit in Pickleball.) Each short devotional will have a verse, commentary, a prayer and an affirmation to practice.

In light of everything that has been happening in the world this past week, I wanted to share one of the devotionals I wrote with you.

Right now I feel somewhat helpless in the face of all this world strife.

But one thing I know is that we have a God who cares. Who loves the people of Israel. And loves us too.

So even though the following devotion is focused on Pickleball players, I want you to think about the ideas I’m sharing and see how you can apply them in your own life – whether you are a Pickleball player or not!

——————————————-

Love – 1 Peter 4:8 TLB

“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults.”

***

Most important of all…show deep love. This is so easy to say, yet can be so difficult to do. Especially when we are out on the courts. Our partner makes some dumb shots, they mistakenly call an out ball in, or they hog the whole court leaving you feeling left out.

I don’t know about you, but when people act in “human” ways, I often want to scream. And act snotty. And get an attitude.

Instead, the next time we are tempted to get irritated with our partner, do the opposite. Speak words of encouragement. Cheer their good shots. Physically, turn towards them at the end of the point rather than away from them.

In this way you will be putting love in action…and making up for many faults.

***

Prayer: Lord, help me to be your light shining love on the court (and in this world) regardless of the situation. Let me love like Jesus today.

***

Affirmation: Today I will look for and find ways to show love in action. I will shine the light of Jesus on the Pickleball courts and in my community.

———————————–

Dear one – know you are loved and prayed for. I appreciate you and am so thankful you are reading this. If I can be of any help or encouragement to you today, just leave a comment and let me know.

Cheering you on,

Christy

The post Showing Deep Love appeared first on Christy Largent.

Gratitude. The foundation for a Positive Life, and the foundation of our Positivity Principles. Gratitude. Easy to think about, but sometimes difficult to live.

In this podcast, Christy gives 3 simple ways to incorporate more gratitude into your life.

Key Idea:

• Gratitude is simple, but takes practice to become a habit.

Resources:

• Christy’s Website

Free Download:

• “31 Ways to be More Positive”. Text “31Positive” to 44222

Book:

• Atomic Habits by James Clear

Speaking Inquiries:

• Do you need an entertaining and encouraging speaker for your event? Text 530-949-3646 and leave a call back number or email christy@christylargent.com

Enter to Win:

• Rate & Review this episode for a chance to win a $25 Amazon gift card.

The post 5 Minute Motivation – Gratitude appeared first on Christy Largent.

Key Ideas:

You get to create the environment you want to create. Positivity can be learned with work and effort.

Resources: 

• Christy’s website

Books:

• 31 Positive Communication Skills for Women, Christy Largent

Mindset:

• The New Psychology of Success, Carol Dweck, Ph.D.

Free Download:

• “31 Ways to be More Positive”. Text 31Positive to 44222

Speaking Inquiries:

• Do you need an entertaining and encouraging speaker for your event? Text 530-949-3646 and leave a call back number or email christy@christylargent.com

Enter to Win:

• Rate & Review this episode for a chance to win a $25 Amazon gift card.

The post 048 Welcome Back Podcast appeared first on Christy Largent.

Sound familiar? It’s really hard to stay positive when you’ve got anxiety beating down your door – even when you’re trying to sleep!

So I want to give you a few suggestions I have found to be helpful, even when you’re dragging.

“Look at something that makes you smile”

When you wake up anxious and beat down, look at something that makes you smile right away. Maybe that’s a picture of your child or grandchild. Or of a favorite holiday when you all laughed and laughed. Or maybe it’s your silly dog who just jumped up on your bed, tail wagging and trying to lick your face.

Use a physical cue to turn your mind to a happy place. As you look at that picture or hug your dog, take just 30 seconds and enjoy the moment. Take a deep breath and think about that happy vacation or how warm and soft your dog is. As my 10-year-old son says, “Savor the moment, Mama!”

“Take time to be grateful for this”

Using the energy of those happy thoughts, the next step is to start being grateful for this positive thing in your life. You can say it out loud or just to yourself. It might sound something like this…

“Thank you for this sweet dog who makes me laugh. Thank you for her soft fur. Thank you I get to hug her and snuggle her close this morning. Thank you that I have money to take care of her and buy her food. Thank you that she brings me joy.”

I must warn you that what invariably happens is that right about now your anxious thoughts will try to intrude. Our mind is crazy like that.…lost in the moment with your sweet dog, you suddenly start thinking about that horrible employee who is causing all kinds of problems with your team.

So when that person comes to mind, instead of jumping into anxiety about the strife she brings, just picture her. Then control the thought about her intentionally, turning it to gratitude. 

It might sound like this…

“Wow. Carley. Hmm…Thank you for Carley. Thank you for the way working with her is allowing me to learn and grow. Thank you that I get to figure out how to either get her back on track or let her go for career redirection. Thank you that I’m capable and know how to either work through this or get help to work through this…Thank you for my job that lets me use my skills and talents. Thank you that I get to have so many awesome people on my team. And as difficult as Carley is, she just shows me how fortunate I am to have so many other great employees. I’m confident I can handle this today.”

Just writing that made me feel better!

“Repeat as needed”

Repeat as needed throughout the day. During difficult times, I know anxious thoughts are never far away. And when they overwhelm, I find we often allow ourselves to obsess on all the possible things that could/would/might go wrong and it becomes a negative spiral that never ends. It just gets darker and deeper.

That’s why it’s so important to recognize that you can have the victory and find the positive if you choose to. These simple steps…Observe, Give Thanks, Repeat will help you do that.

Have you tried to turn your anxiety around to find the positive? If so, what works for you? Let me know as I’d love to hear your solution.

The post Simple Steps to Turn Anxiety into Positivity appeared first on Christy Largent.

This morning was a rough morning. I woke up feeling crummy thanks to a late night yielding to temptation. The temptation of ice cream. Unfortunately, it was in the freezer. And I ate it. All.

I paid for it this morning.  Headache. Bad attitude. Short temper.

And have I mentioned that my daughter is in 7th grade? She’s a Jr. Higher. Yup. You know what that means. Hormonal. Headache. Bad attitude. Short temper.

And have I mentioned that my son is in 4th grade and is the favorite recipient of above mentioned big sister’s bad attitude and short temper? Yup. You’ve got it.

And have I mentioned that my dear, sweet husband leaves quite early in the morning. He used head out about 7:30 and was able to help get them off to school. But lately I’ve noticed he’s leaving earlier and earlier. This morning it was well before 7:00am… I wonder why? Hmmm…

Which brings me to my topic of the day.

How to say you’re sorry.

Because I wasn’t at my best this morning and I know Mamas set the tone for the day, and Amelia wasn’t a pretty sight. crying as she headed into school and I wasn’t a pretty sight sitting miserable in the car watching her walk away.

I wanted a do-over on the whole morning.

But, of course, there’s no such thing as a do-over. The morning is gone never to be lived again.

But the good news is that there is such a thing as asking for forgiveness. I get to tell my sweet girl and boy, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I was so short tempered. I’m sorry I didn’t give you what you needed. I’m sorry I gave into my own issues rather than rising up and loving you through yours. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’ll try to do better next time. Please forgive me.”

And if all goes well, (this is not the first time they have heard this particular drill,) they will accept my apology as we discuss it, and they will forgive me and we can all run out and jump in the pool and order pizza and family harmony will be restored. At least that’s how it usually turns out if I actually do ask for forgiveness and not just sweep it under the rug to fester and boil.

It’s a 4-Step Process…

1. I’m sorry I…… (Fill in the blank.)
2. I was wrong. (Do not insert a justification here – just say the basic sentence.)
3. I’ll try to do better next time. (This shows you are working towards being a better person.)
4. Please forgive me.

My story from home is equally valid for you at work you know.  That co-worker who asked you to do a favor and you snapped her head off. That boss who you subtly undermined as you casually discussed office politics in the lunch room. That client you told you would do something – only you didn’t.

There are lots of opportunities in our life when we experience brokenness in relationships. Living in the Opportunity Mindset means we don’t ignore the yuk. We see it for what it really is. An opportunity to restore and even deepen a relationship rather than driving separation.

So I hope you will take the opportunity, when needed, to go ahead and say you’re sorry. Then take it a step further and ask for forgiveness. Then don’t do it again.

Now, I’ve got to go and meet the bus…I’ve got a little conversation I’m looking forward to.

Love ya,

Christy

The post How to say “I’m Sorry” appeared first on Christy Largent.

Today I want to share a few words of encouragement.  Sunday’s holiday used to be one of the saddest days of my year.  I know the pain of dashed hopes and deferred dreams.  And I’ve found some ways to navigate that I think might be helpful to you too.  Listen in for more!

Key Ideas:

1.  Remember – “Not now” doesn’t mean “Never”

2.  Managing Expectations

3.  When the difficulties come, hang on.

4.  Look for the sunshine

Encouraging Word of the Day:  Psalm 37:4  “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you all the desires of your heart.”

The post #047: Encouragement for Mother’s Day (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Today I share the “aha” moment I had that has helped me to do a turnaround when in conflict.  Learning how to be transparent can be transformational.

Recommended Books:

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Encouraging Word of the Week:  Luke 6:38 “Give and it will be given to you.  Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”

The post #512: 5 Minute Motivation – Be Transparent (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Remember, when giving feedback, it’s important to…

• Be Specific
• Be Honest
• Be Clear

Today is about how to be so clear the other person knows EXACTLY what you want them to do.  It’s the perfect way to complete your thoughts — creating an effective feedback opportunity.

Encouraging Word of the Day:  Ephesians 4:25  “So let us put away the lies, and speak the truth to one another, because we are all part of one another.”

The post #511: 5 Minute Connection – Be Clear (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Remember, when giving feedback, it’s important to…

• Be Specific
• Be Honest
• Be Clear

Today is more about how to stay out of judgement or assumption, and instead, Be Honest.

Encouraging Word of the Day:  Ephesians 4:25  “So let us put away the lies, and speak the truth to one another, because we are all part of one another.”

The post #510: 5 Minute Connection – Be Honest (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

I’m going to focus on 3 main elements of giving effective feedback over the next 3 weeks.

When giving feedback, it’s important to…

• Be Specific
• Be Honest
• Be Clear

Today is all about how to avoid judgement or assumption, and instead, be specific.

Encouraging Word of the Day:  Ephesians 4:25  “So let us put away the lies, and speak the truth to one another, because we are all part of one another.”

The post #509: 5 Minute Connection – Be Specific (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Thankfully, I have an amazing sister-in-law who reminded me of this yesterday, so I get to share it with you today!

Key reminders about being yourself:

1.  It’s scary.

2.  It’s easier to wear a mask.

3.  It’s totally worth it.

Encouraging Word:  Romans 12:9a (The Message) “Love others well, and don’t hide behind a mask; love authentically.“

The post #508: 5 Minute Motivation – Be Yourself appeared first on Christy Largent.

This week, I want to give you 2 magic questions you can use when you absolutely MUST give the advice burdening your heart.  Before you speak…

Ask yourself these 2 questions:

1.  What gives me the right?

2.  Is it in the best interest of the relationship?

Listen to the podcast and share it!  I think you’ll enjoy this part 2 of the podcast.  Who knows, it might even change your life!  And feel free to share with your friends!

I’d love to know – do you struggle with giving unsolicited advice?  How do you keep from becoming “that person” who always has a better way of doing something? Please let me know your thoughts!

Encouraging Word of the Week:  Proverbs 12:18  “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

The post #507: 5 Minute Motivation – Be Mysterious Part 2 (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Unsolicited advice will destroy relationships, create conflict, drive division, and push people further and further away from you.  If you want healthy relationships where your friends and family ASK for your advice, then you’d better say far, far away from giving the unsolicited kind.

Today I’m sharing with you a humorous story on this very subject.  I think you’ll love it!…so you have to listen to the podcast.  But if you can’t spare 5 minutes, here’s my advice for keeping yourself from giving Unsolicited Advice:

When you want to start talking, instead, start asking questions.  

I hope you enjoy this today.  I’d encourage you to listen.  It’s short and who knows..it might even change your life!  And if you know someone who loves to give unsolicited advice, please feel free to share this with them too.

Encouraging Word for the Weekend:  Romans 12:18 “If possible, live in peace with everyone. Do that as much as you can.”

The post #506: 5 Minute Fridays – Be Mysterious Part 1 (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Or at least it was a blast the last time I took the class.  This morning, not so much.  You see, I’m out of practice.  I’ve been doing other things in the morning.  Specifically sleeping.  So I’m just a tad bit out of spinning shape.

If you’ve ever been a spinner, you know what I’m talking about.  After you’ve been spinning a month or so you kind of find your groove.  You figure out how to push yourself without throwing up.  You know what I’m talking about.

But this morning everything was different.  I was sooooo slow!  My mind said, “Legs, push!”, and the legs surged forward with all the strength of a noodle.  And while I was struggling for breath and willing myself forward, I realized there were a few universal ideas I was being reminded of as I reacclimatized myself into spinning shape.  I thought I’d share them with you.

1.  Your ride is different than the teacher’s and everyone else’s ride.  That’s right.  You have your own rhythm, your own style and your own timing.  Just like in life.  Your  journey is uniquely your own.  It may or may not mirror the journey of your boss or your best friend.  What matters is that you figure out what your ride is and ride it with all your heart.  It will be the best possible ride.  Uniquely yours.

2.  The unknown will bring blessings all it’s own.  This morning Silas played music I had never heard before.  I’m a musical person and I like to think I am sort of connected to what’s happening in today’s music scene.  But this morning I only recognized 1 song.  Out of the 12 or so songs he played, only 1!  I couldn’t believe it!  But you know what, I loved it!  I embraced the newness of that music and reveled in the energy it helped pump through my increasingly tired legs.  The blessing of the unknown kept me engaged to the very end of every song rather than anticipating the ending as I normally would have done.

Often when we are faced with the unknown, our tendency is to avoid, right?  New co-worker.  Walk down the other hall so you won’t have to engage with her.  Or that difficult decision you’re waiting to hear back on.  You avoid checking your emails or voicemails because you don’t want to have to hear potential bad news.  Or how about what I’m struggling with right now…fear of the unknown.  I don’t know how to do some of the technical details required to get my book published, so instead of powering through, I’m avoiding through other activities.  (Like this post if the truth be told!)  Let’s embrace our unknown together.

3.  When you’ve done the hard thing, you will feel amazing!  Yes.  As the hour moved to a close, I was so happy!  Spent. Yes.  Exhausted. Yup. Empowered. Absolutely!  In fact, as I was getting off the bike and grabbing the cleaning papers to wipe it down, I actually thought to myself, “Now, THIS is a way to get my week of to a great start!  I’ll bet I get a ton accomplished today.”

I didn’t think that because I was a seriously good rider.  No way!  I thought that because I did something uncomfortable – several somethings actually…but the end result was what I really wanted.  A stronger heart, firmer legs (maybe someday) and most of all, completion of a desired task.

How about you?  What can you jump into today to give yourself a spin?  How can you challenge yourself to ride your own ride, embrace the unknown and revel in the feeling of accomplishment that will ensue?  I’d love to hear your stories!

The post 3 Lessons from Getting Spun this Morning appeared first on Christy Largent.

1.  Smile

2.  Stick out your hand and introduce yourself.

3.  Lean towards the new person

4.  Look them in the eye

5.  Speak up

Encouraging Word for the Weekend:  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”

The post #505: 5 Minute Fridays – Be Friendly (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

It’s the magic of charisma, and I have a few ideas to share with you about how you can get some too!  Listen to the podcast for all the details…

Key Suggestions Discussed:

1.  Confidence

2.  Questions

3.  Listen

4.  Be interesting

5.  Laugh (at yourself)

Encouraging Word for the Weekend:  Colossians 4:6 “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

The post #504: 5 Minute Fridays – Be Charismatic (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Most people pad or hedge with the best of intentions, but what happens is the opposite.

Lesson:  Avoid Hedging and Use Power Phrases

You’ll have to listen to get them — too boring to write here.

Encouraging Word for the Weekend:  Matthew 5:37 (Phillips) “Whatever you have to say let your ‘yes’ be a plain ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ a plain ‘no’—anything more than this has a taint of evil.”

The post #503: 5 Minute Fridays – Be Straightforward (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Today’s Tip:  Be Connected!

I want you to grow strong connections.  Here are a few ideas to help you develop strong, healthy connections.  Remember, more details are in the podcast.

1. Decide you want connection
2. Be willing to be vulnerable
3. Be focused on them when you are with them
4. Time — it Takes Time and you must Give it Time
5. Enjoy the fruits of connection

Encouraging Word for the Weekend:  Matthew 18:20  “Where 2 or 3 are gathered together, there I am with them.”

Question:  What do you think about these 5 minute Fridays?  I’d love to hear your comments!

The post #502: 5 Minute Fridays – Be Connected (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Several of her books have been New York Times Bestsellers. She has both biological and adopted kids, and when she adopted, she didn’t go for just one, nooooo, she adopted like 10 (just kidding, I think it was 2).  You get the picture right?

Well, the reason I’m mentioning and linking to that post here, is because it was such a totally clear picture of a certain personality type I just couldn’t stand it!  In fact, her blog post title was How to Choose People Over Projects.

Seriously.

She even made printables to help her remember to do this.

Seriously.

Now some of you are like, Wow, that would really help me.  I always find myself thinking how people get in the way of my accomplishments.  And others of you are like, Are you crazy?  Why on earth would you put a project ahead of a relationship?

And there you have the rub.  The personality conflict that causes just that.  Conflict.

Because you want your office mate to drop her project and join you for lunch at the trendy new hot spot.  And she can’t understand how you can even think of leaving the office for lunch, of all things, when the project isn’t finished.

Or your husband wants to take Saturday and explore a new set of trails and you’re fretting and stewing because the new toilet you purchased 3 weeks ago still isn’t installed.

See where the conflict arises?  It’s simple personality conflict.  I would call it Action Annie vs. the rest of us.

Here are 3 positive ways you can work through this difficulty.

1.  Recognize you have different expectations. You might be tempted to think there is something wrong with the other person when they don’t act the way you would.  After all, they clearly have different priorities than you do.

You’ll be able to reconnect when you recognize that these differences aren’t really wrong. They are just different.

2.  Discuss your differing desires. Having an open discussion of these differing expectations will be very productive for you. Once we name it and get it out for discussion, then you can move forward to a solution.

3.  Work out a compromise.  This sounds a lot easier than it actually is of course.  Maybe you can stay through lunch to finish up the project and then celebrate with a brisk walk around the block together after it’s finished.  Or how about working together to get the toilet installed so you can take the afternoon to explore those new trails.

When we change our perspective on these differences, we will be able to appreciate and actually be thankful for the variety in our personalities.  Try these ideas the next time a conflict like this arises and I think you’ll enjoy the positive outcome.

Question:  What are the typical personality conflicts you deal with?  Do they drive you crazy or have you figured out ways to bring out the best?  I’d love to hear your ideas! Just leave your comments below.

P.S. – If you want to know more about The Personalities, you might want to check out some of my first podcasts here and here where I gave an introduction to the various styles.

The post Psst…Your Personality is Showing appeared first on Christy Largent.

As I was thinking about today’s blog post, I realized how powerful this concept of going with your gut can be in the area of our communication.  Let me ask you this…Have you ever had a nudge to speak with someone, but you resisted?  Have you ever shut down that small, quite prodding and just ignored it?

Usually, your self talk will be something like this:

• She’ll think I’m crazy.
• He doesn’t really want to know this.
• Who do I think I am to tell her this?
• She already gets lots of positive feedback, mine wouldn’t add much to the conversation.
• I’m embarrassed to let him know how he has affected me.

and my favorite,

• I’ll feel like an idiot!

But I’m going to suggest today that there are 3 really good reasons you should go with your gut, your intuition, your heart.

1.  There’s a whole lot of stuff we are not cognitively aware of going on out there which our unconscious is responding to – so we’d better pay attention.  David Epstein wrote in his book, The Sports Gene: Inside the Science of Extraordinary Athletic Performance, a story about how many professional baseball players were being struck out by softball phenom Jennie Finch.  How could this be?  How were the strongest and best baseball hitters in the world being struck out by a girl?

Well, it turns out that baseball players don’t really watch the ball coming at them – there’s no time.  What they have become expert at, is reading the body of the pitcher – the minuscule body movements are what tells them where the ball will end up.  Obviously, they were not expert at reading a softball pitcher’s body and suddenly they became just like the rest of us.

2.  The more you respond to your intuition, the more often you will hear it.  I’m sure there’s science about this somewhere, but I have experienced that the more tuned in I am to my heart, the more clearly I hear it.  Whether this is to take dinner to my neighbor, have a conversation with my husband, contact that client or switch into the right lane of traffic, I generally try to act on the feeling.  I don’t know why, but it usually ends up being a very needed action.

And most importantly of all…

 3.  Someone needs what you have to say.  Believe me, if you are feeling a prompting to speak, someone needs to hear you.  I love the story of the woman who was at the end of her rope, barely hanging on to her will to live when a stranger blessed her with a smile and a warm greeting.  That’s such a minor thing to do, but reaching out, even to a stranger, will have an impact far beyond what you will ever know.

When I think about how we communicate, I’m convinced we can have an even more positive effect on people if we pay attention and respond to our gut.  There are a millions cues being thrown about all the time.  We don’t see them, but we’re receiving them.  Our gut, our heart, our intuition is receiving them.

So the next time you get a “gut feeling”…Go for it!  And enjoy the positive results that can happen.

Question:  Have you ever gone with your gut and something amazing happened?  I’d love to hear your stories!  Just leave a note below.

The post 3 Big Reasons to Go With Your Gut appeared first on Christy Largent.

If you’ve ever worked for or with someone who just bugs you, here are 3 suggestions to help you turn a crummy interaction into something positive:

1.  Recognize your feelings.  This is a new skill that I’ve been working on. When you feel that rush of anger or frustration, instead of grabbing it and massaging it and escalating it, simply recognize it.

Try something like, Wow, that comment hurts.  Or, I’m feeling really mad right now.  There’s something about saying the statement out loud or to yourself that will help you process it.

Identify more about why it hurts or is inflammatory.  For example,  When she said I was a bad team player, I feel unappreciated.  My reaction is to get defensive and lash back at her.  Wow, I’m really uncomfortable.

I also recommend you take some deep breaths as you walk yourself through the emotions of the situation.  Try to pinpoint exactly what it is that’s causing such a strong emotional reaction inside of you.  Now you’re ready to…

2.  Figure out if and/or how you are going to address this with her.  My experience is that sometimes you need to address it, and sometimes you just need to let it go.  Let’s be realistic.  With some people, you could talk until you’re blue in the face and it would do NO GOOD! If that’s the case, please, just give yourself the freedom to experience the emotion and then choose to release it.  You might need to take a few deep breaths and physically open your hands outward – breathing out the release as you fan your fingers open.

But if the irritating person is open to honest communication, you would do well to create an assertive dialogue and let them know how their words affected you.  Both of you will do better after that discussion and you can move forward.

Regardless of which step you decide, I always find it helpful to close the interaction with the third idea…

3.  Look for the good.  Find something you appreciate or like about them.  I know that’s a tall order when you’re not feeling very positive towards them and frankly just the fact that they are still taking up space in your universe grates on you like fingernails on a chalkboard, but I promise you — if you will do the exercise of finding just one thing to be thankful for or that you like/admire about them, it will help.

Some suggestions might be, I’m thankful she takes her job so seriously. Or, I’m thankful she follows through. Or, I really like how she is such a professional dresser or if you’re really desperate, I’m thankful she just left the room…JKLOL…as my 2nd grader says

Do you see how I’m suggesting you reframe your mind?  You can do this!  Even if you don’t feel like it now, by recognizing your emotions, figuring out what you are going to do with them, and then creating a positive feeling to close the experience, you are reframing the whole thing on your terms.  And that feels great!

I hope these 3 simple steps will help you to maneuver through the next time you find yourself in the middle of a muddle.

Question:  What are your coping techniques?  Have you tried any of these and how did they work for you?  I’d love to hear your feedback.  Just leave a comment below.

The post 3 Steps to Turn a Bad Interaction Better appeared first on Christy Largent.

That night at the dinner table as I was telling the story, I made sure to give full expression in the retelling.  Wanting my kids to have the full picture of what happened.

As I gave my response, my daughter brought me up short. “Oh, and did you give her that ugly face too?”

“What ugly face?”

“That ugly face you just did when you told the story.”

I was silent as the truth sunk in.  No wonder my colleague responded like she did.  My face and body had said such a different story than what I really meant to say.  It’s not her fault that we all believe more of what we see than what we hear.

Shamefacedly, I admitted the truth.  Yes, I probably had made that ugly face that morning during the conversation. Yikes!

When you think about effective communication, you might sometimes forget how important your facial expressions are.  Obviously, when you’re online, texting or tweeting, it’s not an issue.  But on the phone or especially in person, you want to make sure your face is giving the same message as your words.

Here are 3 ideas that might help you (and me) match our faces to our words.

Smile.  Obviously you can’t smile all the time, but whenever you are listening, it’s helpful for you to have a pleasant expression on your face.  For most of us, a slight, mouth closed smile gives that pleasant look that encourages conversation.  Also, it’s impossible to smile and frown at the same time.

Clear your forehead.  By this I mean, if you have 2 those vertical lines between your eyebrows, or lots and lots of forehead creases, take a moment when you are in the conversation, or even before, to consciously smooth your forehead.  For me, this means I smile (automatically decreases the center lines) and take a deep breath as I run my left hand across my forehead.

Use your eyes.  The eyes are such a great communication tool!  Have you noticed that when you’re really engaged in a conversation, you’re giving good eye contact.  Not staring, but just following the conversation with your eyes.  You look at the other person for a few seconds and then look briefly away.  And when you smile, your smile reaches your eyes.  I know because an engaged smile includes eyes crinkled at the corners.

So I’m hoping that we’ll remember these simple behaviors.  That way, we can be sure our face matches our message.

Question:  What kind of expressions do you find “pop out” when you least expect it?  What are your compensation strategies?  Please leave me a comment below.

The post 3 Ideas to Avoid Making The Ugly Face appeared first on Christy Largent.

In light of the overload most of us constantly feel, I thought it would be helpful and refreshing for us to consider how we can be effective in telling people our thoughts and ideas in a way that’s “right the first time.”  So, here for your consideration are three suggestions to help you do just that.

1. Be respectful of the person.  The next time your employee suggests an idea you think is ridiculous – remember to focus your response on the idea, not the person.  As you are respectful of the person, get specific with your responses to the idea so they know you are skeptical of the idea, not them as an employee.
2. Get to the point.  Head right to the comment without padding it with extra words or fillers like um, and , ahh, so, like, etc.  The more you add needless words to what you are saying, the more likely you are to lose your listener and undermine your credibility.
3. Make suggestions for improvement instead of criticizing.  Many years ago I had a speaking coach who would intentionally sit in on my program and then make suggestions on how I could improve.  Her way of suggesting improvements was fabulous.  She used the “Like best” and “Next time” technique.  First, she would tell me what she liked best about the program.  Then she would say, “Christy, next time, instead of telling that joke at the beginning of the program, tell it at the end.”  By using the like best and next time method, I could hear what was working and what wasn’t working.  The bonus was that I did not get defensive at the criticism because I heard ways to improve…and that is what I really wanted all along anyway.

As we head into the holiday season, I know we’ll all have lots of opportunities to practice communicating with people who are really important to us.  I hope you can stick these 3 additional ideas into your communication toolbox and whip them out the next time you need to say it right the first time.

Question:  Which of these are most difficult for you to do?  Do you ever get stuck when you don’t know what to say so you say nothing?  Have you experienced someone else doing these things for you? How did it feel?  Please leave your comments below!

The post 3 Strategies to Say It Right The First Time appeared first on Christy Largent.

And I guess there’s really nothing like a drama with a loved one to remind you why we’re doing all this communication stuff in the first place.

I can give you all kinds of tips and techniques on how to be a more effective communicator. But the bottom line reason we learn and do all this is so we can love each other better. Right?  We want to learn how to act and speak and express ourselves in the best way so that the people in our lives feel loved.

Does that make sense to you?  Who in your life do you wish knew how much you loved them?  Do you communicate that love? What’s getting in the way of your truth? This morning I’m drawn to think of this…and here are the 2 main questions I’m asking myself.

1.  Is my style getting in the way of my message?  Yesterday I spoke about being a passive, aggressive or assertive communicator.  That message was straight from my heart.  You see,  I am really strong.  I come across as strong. I have to work hard to dial down from aggressive to assertive, and sometimes even assertive is too much.  And sometimes that ‘natural style’ is getting in the way of my message.

When I’m trying to talk with Amelia or Tom about something that I’m passionate about, (almost everything) I think I get too wound up and my words, tone, body all end up sending messages that actually shut them down.  Do you have that challenge?  Or do you go the other way, and you shut down when you get passionate?  I think both of these can be a challenge.  I have to remember, it’s not all about me…it’s about communicating well.  Because I LOVE THEM.

2.  Do I find ways to communicate love even when I’m stressed and busy and overwhelmed?  When I think of all the times I’ve thought of my telling my mother something and not texted her, or bragged about my sister and not called her, or even been angry with my dad and talked about him instead of talking with him, it makes my heart sad.  I’m supposed to be teaching this stuff!  Instead, I so often fail in the execution of the communication.

How about you?  Would it help your relationships if you were more intentional communicating your love to those in your life?  I want to take each opportunity to communicate love and not put it off until later.  Because, as I’m being so forcibly reminded today, there’s no guarantee of tomorrow, and I want to rest assured I’m communicating my love the best possible way every day.

So for now, thanks for following along this month as I’ve posted every day.  Whew.  31 Blog Posts in 31 days.  Definitely a new record for me.  I’ve learned some things along the way, so there will probably be a post about that in the future. (Not tomorrow!!)  I want you to know I appreciate each of you and how you have commented and encouraged me.  It’s meant more than you will ever know.  So here’s our take-away.  Let’s commit together to using powerful  communication to create positive relationships so that we can live purposeful lives.  I think we’ll all be glad we did.

This is Day 31 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women.  You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Does today’s discussion ring true with you?  Which post, of the past 31 days was your favorite?  Why?  Please leave your thoughts below.

The post Day 31 – Why Are We Working At This Stuff Anyway? (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Passive Communicator – “A reluctance and/or inability to confidently express what you think and feel.”

This person is quiet, shy and rarely says what they really think or feel.  They will keep their thoughts to themselves, often taken extreme amounts of time to think about what they will say before they say it.  They expect you to read their minds since they have limited body language and facial expressions.

My favorite story about passive communicators happened when I was speaking in Minot, North Dakota.  I had a group of 40 women in my “Powerful Communication Skills for Women” class.  The majority of them were of Scandinavian descent. (Internal processors and typically passive communicators.)  Throughout the day, I was getting basically no visible response from them.  I would say something funny and they would crack a slight smile or nod their heads.  As someone who gets their energy from other people, all day long I was giving myself pep talks, reminding myself that they were engaging on the inside, even if I couldn’t see much of a spark on the outside.  At the end of the day I was shaking hands at the door saying goodbye.  One after another of the women told me how much they loved the class.  One woman generously proclaimed, “This was the best class I’ve ever attended.”  “Oh, thank you,” I replied. “Yes,” she continued, “My favorite part was how you got us all so involved!”  Inside my head, I was screaming, “When? I missed it!”

That’s a funny story, but it illustrates the difficulty others can have with passive communicators.  Because passive communicators tend to keep everything inside, others can be at a loss to know their real feelings.  They are also very good at using passive aggressive manipulation to get what they want.  (I think passive-aggressive behavior is a post for another day.)

Aggressive Communicator – “Intimidates, demeans and degrades another person – behavior that results in a put-down, causing defensiveness and hurt.”

You’ve meet these aggressive communicators.  They are intent on getting their way and letting you know it.  The classic aggressive communicator can be found on the school yard – we call him a bully.  Or maybe she’s the one in your daughter’s peer group who is the dominate force.  She tells all the other girls what they should do and how they should do it.   An out of control aggressor uses their threat of anger to manipulate those around her.

The Aggressive Communicator uses their body language with their hands on their hips, their fingers pointing at you (while they shake their hand) and the scowl on their face to get their messages across.

Assertive Communicator:  “Confidently express what you think, feel and believe.  Standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others.”  

You love these people.  They know what they want and they share it assertively.  When you finish a conversation with this assertive person, you feel great!  Encouraged and energized because you have been on the receiving end of healthy, life-affirming communication.

So, which kind of communicator are you?  By nature, most of us fall into either passive or aggressive.  Most of us have to learn how to be an assertive communicator.  It helps if your family of origin used good, healthy communication.  But even if they were too far on either end, you can learn to communicate assertively.

This month of October I’ve given you 30 specific ideas on how to be most effective with assertive communication.  I hope you will take these ideas and move yourself into the assertive category.  Your friends, family and co-workers will thank you and you’ll be empowered knowing you can use these tools to create a life of strong, active and relationship building communication.

This is Day 30 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women.  You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Which category do you fall into?  What challenges have you experienced with your own natural style?  How have you worked around your style to get better results?  I’d love to hear your stories and comments.  Please comment below.

The post Day 30 – Your Communication Style (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Choose Generosity.  J. Paul Getty was known for being the richest man in the world.  He was also known as one of the most stingy…even refusing to pay ransom when a grandson got kidnapped!  By the time he died in 1976 he had alienated all his children as well as his five former wives.  Contrast that with Dave Thomas of Wendy’s fame.  He was known for being generous of spirit with himself as well as his money.  Over his lifetime he gave away millions of dollars, as well as hours and hours of his time and passion in his interest of helping others.  He said, “Share your success and help others succeed.  Give everyone a piece of the pie.  If the pie’s not big enough, make a bigger pie.”  Which person would you like to model yourself after?  You get to choose.  Choose generosity.

Value People.  Think of what you love.  Your home, car, boat, jewelry.  I’ll bet you spend time and money maintaining these items.  What about the people you value?  Why is it so easy to pursue the things we love instead of the people we love?  (I actually think the answer to that is a whole different blog post!)  Find ways to value people.  The best and simplest is to listen to them.  Spend time with them.  Help them feel heard.  I was listening to a podcast recently and the speaker challenged us to “add energy” in our every encounter.  When you leave someone, is their energy higher or lower?  You can be an energy giver or taker.  You get to choose.  Choose — every day in every way I will add value to others.

Do It Every Day.  “Do all the good you can, to all the people you can, in all the ways you can as long as you can.”  D.L. Moody.  Don’t wait for your income or circumstances to change – just begin!  Science is now showing how our behavior impacts our mind.  Living generously will make us generous people.  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “what are we doing for others?”  Choose to act every day.

My friend Amy Sullivan, has written a wonderful book to help you teach generosity to yourself and your kids.  You can find it here.  The title, When More is Not Enough – How to Stop Giving Your Kids What They Want and Give Them What They Need really says it all. Tons of creative ideas are found here. Additionally, my friend Courtney DeFeo has a terrific program she created called “Light ‘Em Up”. Check it out here.  Designed to be done with your kids, it’s a great way to teach by doing.  Oh, and it’s fun!

In closing, let me leave you with a thought from Ann Voskamp, “When someone stops doing nothing, and just starts doing something, this is what starts to change everything.”  Today is your day.  Start.

This is Day 29 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. (And my birthday!)  You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Is it difficult for you to be generous?  How do you motivate yourself to choose generosity?

The post Day 29 – Live Generously (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

When Receiving Feedback:

Ask for clarification.  What’s your response when your boss says, “You don’t seem to care much bout your job these days.” Do you get defensive and react or do you take a deep breath and ask for clarification like this…”What am I doing that gives you that impression?”  Asking for clarification is a good way to slow down the conversation and get it headed in a more productive direction.

Ask for specifics.  When your coworkers says, “You’re really trying to get on the bosses good side,” rather than reacting with a sarcastic or cutting response, just turn it around and ask, “Oh, what makes you say that?”  You’ll shut her negativity down without engaging in any of your own.

Respond don’t react.  Sometimes people give us feedback that we weren’t expecting.  When you give yourself space to respond, you’re setting yourself up for success.  A sentence like “I’d like to think about what you just said and get back with you about it later this afternoon,” is perfectly acceptable and preferable to an angry reaction.  You dictate how you will engage with someone.  Don’t give your power away to them.

Expect the positive.  One time I was speaking to a group of trucking executives in Montana.  Throughout the day I noticed one man in the front row who seemed to visibly disagree with everything I said.  During one interactive time, I asked, “What is it? You obviously don’t agree with me.”  “Oh no!” he exclaimed, “I was just thinking how much I agree with you and that you were hitting on everything that was going wrong with my company.  I’ve been thinking of all the ways I could fix the problems.”  Oh my.  I had completely mis-read his body language and because I had been expecting the worst (based on what I saw) I was expecting a negative response.  What a great lesson.  Look for, and expect the best.  Most of the time, it’s out there, just waiting for you to discover it.

Give grace.  Sometimes people spout off without thinking, giving you feedback that should have much more prudently gone unspoken.  If that happens to you, I’d encourage you to just skip it and forget it.  Life is too short to nurse grudges against people who have said ugly things to you.  Just this morning I had to give myself this very advice as one of my clients spoke extremely rudely and aggressively to me.  My feelings were hurt.  And then I remembered that I could give him grace and just let it go.  All of us have some days that are better than others.  By giving grace you allow others the freedom for a not-so-perfect day…and who knows, maybe next time you’ll be the one on the receiving end of the grace-giving.

This is Day 28 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. (And my birthday!)  You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question: How are you at accepting feedback?  Is it easy for you or do you, (like I), get defensive? And can you share a story when you received grace from someone?  I’d love to hear your stories.  Please leave your comments below.

The post Day 28 – How to Say It — Receiving Feedback (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Communicating what you really think or feel is part of everyday life.  Doing it with finesse and tact is a skill you can learn to master. Giving and receiving feedback is an especially important art of communication.  Today we will talk about giving feedback and tomorrow about receiving feedback.

When you are Giving Feedback:

Be Specific:  When someone is having difficulty with getting their work turned in on time, say, “I’ve noticed that in February, March and April your reports were turned in two days late each month.”  Not, “So, looks like you’re really busy these days.”  The first was specific about the real issue, while the second left the listener wondering what you’re really saying.

Avoid Assumptions:  When you make an assumption like, “I know you probably don’t like discussing this issue, but…” it puts people on the defensive.  When we assume, we’re taking upon ourselves the projected thoughts of another.  Many times we’re way off base! Who really knows the mind of another?  Instead, say, ‘I would like to discuss our report schedule.  Do you have time now or later in the afternoon?”  This gets the conversation going on an even, unbiased note.

Avoid Generalities:  The minute you say, “Everyone knows you’re always late to meetings,” not only does the person become defensive, but you’ve set yourself up to be disagreed with from the beginning of the conversation.  After all, who among us is “always” or “never” anything?  Keep yourself focused on solutions by being specific and targeted in your discussion.

Focus on the Problem, not the Person:  Our tendency is to personalize issues.  When I complain about Betty being selfish and uncommitted to the team because she’s always late coming back from her breaks – I’m not only making an assumption and generalization, I’m also targeting Betty with my words, not focusing on her behavior.  When I focus on the problem – that is that other team members can’t take their breaks when Betty is late returning from her break – the focus keeps me from getting personal and/or attacking Betty.  This helps the conversation stay in productive territory.  Remember, when I target the behavior, then I can ask for that behavior to change for the better.

So, the next time you have to give feedback, I hope you remember these suggestions so that your conversation is productive, encouraging and keeping you on the path of creating positive connections and helping you be purposeful in living.

This is Day 27 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. (And my birthday!)  You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Do you ever have trouble staying specific and focusing on the problem, not the person?  Do you find it easy to get personal?  I’d love to hear your stories, just comment below.

The post Day 27 – How to Say It…Giving Feedback (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Tiger Woods was once asked by a fan to demonstrate how to hit the ball out of a sand trap.  Tiger refused, saying he never practiced the wrong shot – only the right ones.  I am often asked how to get good at public speaking.  My answer is always “Practice the right shot.”  And the right shot for speakers and communicators is Toastmasters.

Let me give you some background on this amazing organization and then share with you how to connect with a local club.  Toastmasters began in California in 1924.  Today it is an international non-profit organization boasting over 313,000 members in more than 14,650 clubs located in 126 countries.  The one commonality of members is that each is committed to becoming a more effective communicator.  The Toastmaster organization supports this common goal by providing a venue for members to hone their communication and leadership skills.

My own experience with Toastmasters was so positive I became a life-long advocate.  Never have I been involved in a group as uplifting and positive towards each other.  Good communication is not just about talking, it’s about learning how to actively listen, respond and how to give good, productive feedback.  By participating in the weekly meetings, you will learn how to do all of this and more.

My favorite story is about “Larry.”  My first visit to our local club was about week 3 for him.  A part of each club meeting is a section called “Table Topics” when attendees are asked to stand up and speak impromptu for 60 seconds on a given topic.  Poor Larry was so scared and nervous and freaked out when it was his turn, he stood, hands glued tightly to the back of the chair, chin tucked firmly upon his chest and whispered, stumbling and stuttering through his speech topping out at about 45 seconds of torture.  I hurt for him!

Fast forward 12 months.  This time when Table Topics was called,  Larry stood confidently.  He looked around the room as he spoke.  He used humor.  He used voice inflection.  His impromptu speech sounded like it had been planned and fine tuned for weeks.  He not only nailed that activity, but he won the weekly award for best Table Topic!  Talk about a turn around!  That’s what Toastmasters does for you.

That’s why, if you are serious about becoming a Master Communicator you need to get yourself to local Toastmasters club, join, and start reaping the benefits of this connection.  On a side note…each club has it’s own “flavor.”  So if you don’t feel comfortable at the first club you visit, find another and go visit it.  Even the smallest of communities usually have several clubs to choose from, so you’re sure to find one that’s a fit for you.  Here’s a link to help you find a local club.

This is Day 25 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Have you ever visited a Toastmasters club? What was your experience? What other way to practice has been helpful for you? I’d love to hear your stories! Just leave a comment below.

The post Day 25 – Becoming A Master Communicator (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Like – Are you a likable person?  What is that intangible that makes you like someone else?  I think it’s the magic of interest in others.  When you are around someone who is genuinely interested in you, you can’t help liking them.  Their focus on you makes you feel good, and when you feel good, you’re more likely to overlook minor irritants and like them back.

When I think of the people I really like, and want to know more, they are invariably people who are actually interested in me.  And how do I know that?  They ask questions.  They listen when I answer them.  They remember things about me and what is important to me.  How are you doing?  When was the last time you became more likable by asking thoughtful, interested questions?  Why not start today?

Trust –  Are you trustworthy?  Do people know they can count on you no matter what?  Trust is hard to build and very easy to lose.  I know some people are slower to build trust than others, but the hard, cold fact is that nobody will take you seriously unless they can trust you.  They need to know you will be ethical and do what you say you will do.  Ouch.

My guess is most of us could improve in this area.  Circumstances affect our behavior and sometimes we don’t follow-through, or we allow ourselves to move in the shade of gray…hmmm.  When others trust you, they have the gold standard to count on – and you have the privilege of being heard authentically when you communicate.

Know, Like, Trust.  Three cornerstones for effective communication you can begin working on right now.  If you are serious about building positive connections and living a purposeful life, you will want to think about and start putting into practice the skills of being known, likable and trustworthy.

Another excellent resource if you are struggling with this idea, is the book Little Black Book of Connections: 6.5 Assets for Networking Your Way to Rich Relationships by Jeffrey Gotomer. I love this book! It’s fun and easy to read and most importantly, it’s full of practical, actionable things you can do immediately to build connections.  I think you’ll like it too if you’re looking for more help in this area.  Can’t wait to hear your results!

This is Day 23 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  What do the people you know, like and trust have in common?  Can you name what element about them allows and encourages you to be in relationship with them?  I’d love to hear your stories.  Please leave your comments below.

The post Day 23 – Know, Like and Trust Part 2 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

I gave you an example of a dialogue with Tara yesterday.  Today I’m going to give you a fresh dialogue along with some guidelines to follow when having that difficult conversation.

1.  Be honest with yourself.  When someone is difficult, check in with yourself and ask, what is the real issue here?  For example, if Mary made a sarcastic comment in front of your team about the way you’re handling this month’s project, your first reaction might be anger.  But when you check in and are really honest, you’ll recognize that it was embarrassment and awkwardness you were experiencing in the moment.  Additionally, when you were “put down” in front of your team, you could be worried it could potentially minimize your authority as well.

2.  Be willing to be authentically transparent.  Tell Mary the way her behavior affected you.  You don’t have to go into a huge long explanation here – and be careful NOT to insert judgements or generalities here.  Don’t say – “Mary, you were a real jerk when you made that nasty comment about my work in front of my team this morning.”  That’s NOT what we’re looking for!  Instead, say “Mary, when you criticized my work in front of my team this morning I was really uncomfortable.”

3.  Tell her what you want her to do.  Sometimes I’ll hear people tell the difficult person they didn’t appreciate the difficult behavior and then stop the conversation.  Frankly, that does no good at all because most difficult people don’t even get that their behavior is a problem!  You must be specific and tell them what you want them to do.  “Mary, in the future, when you have feedback on my work, I would appreciate it if you would tell me privately.”  Short, specific and without judgements should do the trick.

This conversation may seem hard to do. But rest assured if you do not confront the difficult behavior it will continue.  Remember, that which is rewarded is repeated.  When you ignore their behavior it’s a way of rewarding their behavior.  Be sure to draw your own firm assertive lines so you don’t let the difficult people get the best of you.

I hope this mini-series on difficult people has been helpful.  I’ve enjoyed reminding myself of what works when I get confronted with behavior that’s upsetting to me.  I hope you will incorporate these ideas along with me, and let’s see our relationships blossom!

This is Day 18 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Which of these suggestions have been most helpful to you?  Which can you implement? I’d love to hear your feedback.  Just leave your comments below.

The post Day 18 – Difficult People – Strategies and Solutions Part 3 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

In answer to my opening question, “Why are you here today?” an older man in the back row raised his hand.  As I called on “Bud”, I took a quick inventory.  I noticed the deeply etched lines of discontent framing his down-turned mouth.  His oversized hands were rough and callused and the wrinkles in his khaki work shirt mirrored those scored across his timeworn face.  As he stood, he placed his hands on his hips, thrust out his chest and loudly proclaimed, “Well, I’m the difficult person, and I’m here today to find out what you’re teaching, so when the people I work with try it on me, it won’t work!”  Hmmm….at least he was honest!

Does “Bud” sound familiar to you?  Difficult People.  Over the next few days I’m going to give you some suggestions for dealing effectively with them.  I’m going to help you bring out the best in  yourself first, then them, and even help you diffuse difficult interactions no matter who’s at fault.  Let’s get started with a few questions.

When you encounter a difficult situation with a difficult person, ask:

1.  Will this matter 5 years from now?  How often have you reacted to something in the moment only to realize later that it really didn’t matter in the big scheme of things?  Yet your reaction left disrupted relationships and hurt feelings.  Before you react, stop.  Take a deep breath and ask yourself this perspective reminding question.

2.  Who is getting the power here?  Sometimes, believe it or not, these difficult people just want to throw the behavior, words, attitude out there to see how we react.  (Interestingly, it’s the same thing my 10 year old does when she wants to see me jump!)  When I take the bait, I’m giving them what they want.  How about recognizing my reaction really gives them the power. Instead, let’s stop, and…

3.  How Can I Respond with the unexpected?  When I was verbally accosted at the gas pump last week by the oversized 40-year-old-surfer-dude on his way to the lake, I just laughed.  Based on his aggressive words, I’m sure he was looking for an argument.  But the whole situation was so ridiculous, laughter was my only possible response.  It stopped his aggression and I was left feeling slightly bemused rather than depleted by the incident.

Interestingly, these questions and behaviors are much easier to do with people you don’t know.  I think that’s because we’re so much more invested and connected with those in our close circle.  It’s that double whammy – we do what we don’t want to with those closest to our hearts!

So try these ideas out on your family and co-workers and see what happens.  I’ll love to hear your feedback.  Check back tomorrow for another set of strategies for dealing with difficult people.

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad!  75 Years Young.  And through the years when I’ve sometimes been the difficult person, you keep on being the most awesome Dad.  I love you!

This is Day 16 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Which of these are you interested in trying?  Please leave your comments below.

The post Day 16 – Difficult People – Strategies & Solutions (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

1. Will this matter 5 years from now?
2. Who is getting the power here?
3. How can I respond with the unexpected?

By asking these questions, you will remind yourself to respond, not react when engaging with the difficult person.  Now, let’s take a look at our actual conversations.

Have you noticed that sometimes a person becomes difficult in reacting to something you innocently said to them?  Well, following are a few key ideas you can employ to make sure your communication is assertive without inducing defensiveness and anger.

1.  Focus on the problem, not the person.  For example, you co-worker Tara is consistently tardy to work 3 of 5 mornings a week.  Her absence creates problems for you because when she’s not there, you have to handle her work load as well as your own.  Your tendency may be to focus on how irresponsible and lazy and self-absorbed you think Tara is by her chronic tardiness.  Instead, refocus and target the real problem here – don’t make a judgement about her – just focus on her behavior and how it is affecting you.  That way, when you talk with her about her behavior, you won’t be accusatory, you’ll just be able to focus on the facts of her behavior.

2.  Avoid absolutes and generalities.  Always, never, everyone, nobody, nothing, ever.  Do those words sound familiar to you?  Many of us are quick to assign an absolute and/or generality to a problem – like “Tara is always late.” or how about “Everyone knows you don’t really care about your job.”  These statements are most likely incorrect since few of us are always or never anything!  They are also general – and will not help solve the situation.  Stay specifically focused on the problem rather than create a defense response by throwing out glittering generalities and aggressive absolutes.

3.  Get specific.  Target the exact behavior that is bothering you.  For example, instead of saying to Tara, “You’re always late!”, begin your discussion by saying “Yesterday, when you were 10 minutes late to work…”  By getting specific about what you are talking about, and letting them know precisely what you are having trouble with, then you keep the discussion on track and targeted.  The more specific the better.

4.  Clearly state the specifics and then tell them what you would like to see them change.  For example, your conversation with Tara might begin like this; “Tara, when you were 10 minutes late to work 3 times last week I feel really frustrated. I have have to cover my work as well as your own.  I would appreciate it if you could be on time for work, or make arrangements for someone else to cover your duties until you arrive.”  Notice how specific that was?  It had complete facts as well as what I wanted her to do differently.

There’s so much we can talk about when it comes to clear, assertive communication to use especially when dealing with difficult people.  I’m out of room for today, but tomorrow I’m going to give you a few more ideas.  I’m so glad we’re only 1/2 way through the month!  There’s so much more good stuff left to discuss!

This is Day 17 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Do you have trouble staying specific?  What do you do to keep from using generalities and assumptions?  Please leave your comments below.

The post Day 17 – Difficult People – Strategies and Solutions Part 2 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

2.  The Priority No.  This is the one you use with your boss.  When she comes running to you and asks you to drop what you’re doing and get to work immediately on this newer, higher priority project, here’s what you do.  Calmly pull out your list of priorities (discussed with and approved by your boss at the beginning of the current week), and ask her which of these other, prioritized items, she would like you to take off the list so that you can add her new priority project.

This little ploy will remind your boss that you are working off a priority list, and will either cause her to a) go find someone else to do the job – someone who is not working off a priority list, or b) re-think and re-assign the planned-on projects.  Either way, you in a good spot because you’re sticking to the projects as planned, and you won’t get penalized later for not finishing your priority list.

The one thing the Priority No requires is…yes, you guessed it…Priorities!  Even if you work in an environment where priorities are not discussed – or things are unorganized and randomly worked on, you personally, need priorities.  Take this opportunity to review what you are doing and make sure you are on track to reach your goals.  In order to reach your goals, my guess is that you’ll need to set priorities.  I love this method of saying no because it always pulls me back to what’s really important.  Now, I just have to remember to use it!

3.  The Full Plate No.  This is the one you use with your friends and co-workers when they want to rope you into another “good cause” for which you really don’t have time.  For example, for the past 5 years you have enjoyed organizing the office holiday party. This year, however, you have begun taking night classes and you are too overloaded to organize the party.  So, when they ask you about organizing the party again this year, you simply say, “Thank you for asking, however, my plate is really full right now, I’m going to have to pass on organizing the party this year.”

Notice how simple this is!  No long list of reasons or excuses, just a simple “no thank you.”  It’s a clean and simple get-away, and leaves everyone feeling positive.  This Full Plate No leaves you feeling empowered as you draw clear boundaries, and leaves the other person impressed you were able to clearly express your desires.

If saying No is a difficult area for you, I want to recommend a fabulous book by Lysa TerKeurst called The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands. This is a terrific, practical, best seller by one of my favorite women.  Lysa dives deeply into this topic and give you practical strategies you can put in place to make sure you are living out The Best Yes!

This is Day 15 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these techniques to help you say No.  I’d love to hear your experience.  Please leave your comments below.

The post Day 15 – 3 Ways to Say NO, Nicely. Part 2 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Do you have trouble saying the ‘N’ word?  Do you find that because you can’t say NO, you end up involved in all sorts of things you don’t really want to do?  Or are you one of those people who has no difficulty saying No.  So much so, that people perceive you as self-centered and not a team player?  If you can relate, read on.

Following is the first of 3 ways to say No.  Using these ideas will help you build relationships rather than put a strain on them, while still making sure you end up doing only, and exactly, what you want to do.

1.  The 3×5 No.  Use this with someone you supervise, including your teenager!  Here’s an example from home.  You can take it and extrapolate it out for the office or whatever your situation.

Your daughter comes to you and says, “Mother, I have to get this $300.00 purse, and I have to get it now!”  Now you know that a $300 purse is not in the budget no way, no how, but you don’t want to say “NO!” again.  (Or if you are like I am, say “Are you out of your cotton-pickin’ mind?”) Ahem…

Instead, here’s how you handle it.  “Sweetheart,” you reply, “I want you to have this beautiful purse.  It’s gorgeous and stylish and I can see exactly why you want it.  My problem is that a $300 purse for you is not in our family budget.  Here’s what I would like you to do.  Take this 3×5 card.” (Hand it to her.)  “On one side you can write $300.00 purse and on the other side, I want you to list all the ways you can think of to pay for this $300.00 purse.  When the card is full of ideas, I want you to bring it back to me and we can discuss the options.”

The amazing thing about this method is how creative people can be when they really want something.  Your daughter will come up with all sorts of terrific ideas you would have never thought of ~ and because it’s her idea, she can’t complain about it later.  You will want to try this with your employee the next time they get negative about your solution to a problem.  Ask them to come up with alternatives and watch the positive energy rise.  Reminder — don’t use this one with your boss! 

This 3×5 No is a very empowering way to teach problem solving skills.  It’s also a great way to keep the environment positive and pro-active.  Check back for the next post when I’ll give you 2 more powerful suggestions.  Now, excuse me please, I have a call to make.  There’s a committee I’ve got to go extricate myself from…

This is Day 14 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Do you have difficulty saying No? I’d love to hear your experience. Just leave a comment below.

The post Day 14 – 3 Ways to Say NO, Nicely. Part 1 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Have you heard any of these phrases lately?  Negative, energy sucking, relationship tearing, and motivation zapping phrases seem to be all the vogue.  And it’s kind of hard not to be negative when you read the paper, listen to the radio and watch the news.  Holy cow!  Have things in this world ever been worse?

I’m going to suggest 3 simple ideas to keep you from letting that negativity bug get you down.  They are simple.  But they work.  Let’s take a closer look.

1.  Commit to yourself not to be one of the negative ones in your environment.  This is easier said than done, but “NO NEGATIVE” should be your internal command.  When you’re tempted to chime in to a negative discussion or make a negative comment, remind yourself of your commitment.  You can either say nothing or better yet, reframe it so you have something positive to say.

2.  Determine you will look for the good in every situation.  It’s amazing how this small choice can change your outcomes.  I think my Dad is a great example of someone who finds the good in every situation.  In 2003 he was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer.  Surgery removed all the cancer, but his physicians recommended chemotherapy.  As he was sitting in his home office on the morning of his first treatment, my Mother asked if she could do anything to help him get ready.  With a bright voice and shiny eyes, my Dad replied, “I don’t think so.  I’ve got the new Clive Cussler book I’ve been wanting to read and the brand new Straight Ahead Big Band CD I’ve been wanting to listen to.  You know, I’ve never done anything like this before.  I think this could be kind of fun!”

Yes, that’s right, FUN.  Wow!  What an attitude.  Before you say, how ridiculous to be so positive and light hearted about something so serious, stop a minute and think.  No matter the outcome, wouldn’t it make your time pass more enjoyably if you had a positive outlook rather than a negative one?  And study after study shows the importance of a positive outlook on outcomes.  Interestingly enough, today my Dad is a fit, healthy 75.  Better than before and cancer free.  I’m thankful.

I know many people do have negative outcomes even with a positive outlook.  I have a friend who just lost her father to cancer, and I don’t know of anyone who had a more positive spirit and deeply felt faith.  Bad things happen. But the idea here is to look for the good no matter how bad the situation.  It will benefit you and others.  And who knows, it might even positively affect your outcome.

3.  Get back on the positive wagon.  We all succumb to negativity at one time or another.  So the real success comes in recommitting yourself to a positive outlook so you can have a life of joy.  If there’s a deeper problem and you find yourself living in negativity, I’d encourage you to get to a health care provider ASAP so you can get some help climbing out of the pit.  Go for a walk, listen to some favorite music, jump on the trampoline with your kids.  Do what you can to jump back on that wagon.  Life is too short to spend it bound in negativity.

This is Day 13 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

I hope these will help you when you find yourself tempted to get negative.  Question:  How do you overcome negativity? I’d love to hear your comments – just leave them below.

The post Day 13 – How to Squash the Negativity Bug (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Here’s where it gets a bit tricky.  Ask yourself this.  What if trimming the bushes was one of the biggest thrills in your husband’s life?  Do you still have the right?

And what if each time he trimmed the bushes, they died.  Yes, that’s right. Dead. Brown. Kaput. As in, you have to pull them out and start over.  Do you still have the right?  Yes! (By the way, if it gets this bad, you must transition from mere unsolicited advice to a full blown strategy of assertive dialogue – but that’s another column.)

So, even, and especially when you have the right, before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “Is it in the best interest of the relationship for me to give this unsolicited advice?”  If not, then keep quiet.

I can’t emphasize this technique enough.  If they don’t ask, don’t tell.  Shhhh.  Bite your tongue. Hum a tune.  Try anything you can to stay silent and keep from transmitting the disease!

I admit this is a “hot button” topic for me.  In fact, let me be authentic with you and make a confession…I’m in recovery.  That’s right, I’m a recovering unsolicited advice giver.  I grew up in a family where we felt compelled with a moral obligation to pass on our wisdom to anyone we saw doing something differently (i.e., not our way) than we thought it should be done.  This propensity to participate in the plague has caused me untold misery and compounded problems – all because I never realized the destruction I was sowing.  You’ll be relieved to know I am in recovery, the cure is working, and I”m well on my way to a total healing.

But back to you.  What stage are you in?  Denial? Are you carrying the plague with you – bringing irritation and alienation to everyone you come in contact with?  Or are you willing to start and work the steps of recovery by resolving to practice the cure?

Remember, before you speak up, ask yourself these 2 questions:

1.  What gives me the right?

and then,

2.  Even if I have the right, is it in the best interest of the relationship?

There’s no easy answer here, and if you struggle with this I suggest you give these steps a try.  I know from experience, it’s so much more rewarding and positive for a relationship when you can stay quiet, build relationship and interestingly enough, often the person you most want to help will end up coming to you and asking for advice.  And then you can give it to your heart’s content.  Voila!

This is Day 12 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Do you give unsolicited advice?  Have you tried these solutions?  I’d love to hear your feedback – just leave a comment below.

The post Day 12 – A Widespread Plague Part 2 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Did you know that in the world of communication and relationships there is also a plague?  It is a plague that goes largely unnamed and unchecked – a plague that affects virtually every one of us.  Despite it’s alarming range, there are not many of us yet immune to it and its devastating effects.  Most of us have even been guilty, at some point, of not only being a carrier of this disease – but of actively passing it on to someone else!  What is it you ask?  The problem is the plague of giving unsolicited advice.

Are you a carrier?  Have you been infected?  Or have you been inoculated just enough to make you immune to it from others, but still wickedly powerful in your ability to spread its devastation?  Not sure?  Then read on…

Definition:  Unsolicited Advice is when you offer your opinions, suggestions or ideas to someone about something they are doing or planning, before they ask for your input.  I know most of us have excellent motives when we offer up these little truffles and tidbits of testimony.  But if you are brutally honest with yourself, you’ll recognize how frequently your unrequested suggestions are rebuffed or brushed away, not to mention met with defensiveness and ultimately rejection.  So, what’s the cure?

Ask:  What gives me the right?  This cure was found in the extremely helpful book by Doris Wild Helmering, Being Ok Just Isn’t Enough: The Power of Self-Discovery .  Ms. Helmering suggests that this is the first question you should ask before you open your mouth.

Ask yourself…What give me the right to tell my friend where to park as we’re circling the mall looking for a parking spot?  What gives me the right to tell my co-worker how to “more effectively” do the project he’s working on? Or how about this…What gives me the right to tell my husband how to trim the bushes?

Ooooh!  Got your attention on that last one didn’t I?  You probably responded – “But I have the right because it’s my yard too!”  And you would be correct.  You do have the right.  In my part 2 of this post, I’ll elaborate on how to process this – when you do have the right to give unsolicited advice.  The question becomes…should you?  I propose that when you don’t have the right, that is, it’s none of your business, you keep your mouth shut and your opinions to yourself.  But when you do have the right.  I also propose you ask yourself a few questions before you open your mouth and spout your opinion or suggestion.  Check out the next post for what those questions are…

This is Day 11 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Do you give unsolicited advice?

The post Day 11 – A Widespread Plague (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Our conversation got off to a good start with a discussion of current events.  The talk moved to the problem of the Sandinistas in Nicaragua and in those days before the Iran Contra affair became known to all, it was natural to ask the Congressman what ideas he had for dealing with them.  When he gave his answer, I immediately piped up with, “But why do you think that would work when we’ve tried it before and it failed?”  He immediately leaned way back in his chair, crossed his arms behind his reclining head, swung his crossed legs up onto the top of his desk and fired back, “What do you think we should do?”  Clearly, he was not interested in my answer, nor was he receptive to anything I might have to say.  Considering I was just 20 and more than a little intimidated by this show of “manliness” I quickly responded, “I don’t know, you’re the Congressman.”

Needless to say, that was the end of that discussion and we moved on to other topics and the meeting was over not long after.  What happened there was a beautiful display of how NOT to listen.  Congressman Kemp’s dramatic body language put form to his feelings.  He had no interest in meeting with us or hearing what we had to say.  So since he couldn’t say that to his scheduler, he dramatically let us know we needed to get moving.

So, how do you avoid the same mistake in Listening?  I believe there are 3 key things you can do to be an active listener.  Focus, Follow and Feedback.  Today we’re going to look at how to focus.

Key #1:  Focus ~~ Focus with your body first and then your mind.  This is how you do it:  Uncross your arms and legs.  If you are sitting, lean slightly forward, about 7 degrees forward. When your body is open and you’re tilted slightly forward towards the speaker, it conveys you are interested in what the other person has to say.  This posture also helps you focus your mind on the immediate conversation. Your mind will be less likely to wander to your grocery list, or who is picking up the kids from school, or what you are going to do with that problem employee.  Instead, you’ll be laser focused on the conversation.  Note:  do not do this forward lean if you are standing — people will move away from you because you’ll be invading their space.

Oftentimes people are resistant to truly focusing during a conversation and will instead, take the opportunity to multitask.  What’s so interesting is that just this past week, research has emerged that Multitasking actually Damages Your Brain!  Yes! Can you believe it?  You can read more about it here.  When I saw this article, I recommitted to focusing more intently, especially during conversations.  Check back on tomorrow for part 2 on active listening.

This is Day 9 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

How about you?  Do you focus when you are listening or are you a multitasker?  I’d love to read your comments below!

The post Day 9 – Active Listening: Focus (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Monotone Mary – Mary never gets very excited about anything.  Her pitch rarely varies more than a few levels in either direction and her volume stays specifically just below the medium level.  When she talks, it’s easy to forget what she said immediately after she says it because everything sounds the same.  You have to guess what’s most important to her because there’s no emphasis in her speech.  She’s kind of like that recorded message at the airport that warns you not to leave your baggage unattended.  Easy to ignore and relegate into background noise.

Sarcastic Sam – Sam’s the master of double meanings.  When he asks a question or gives a comment, the thick sarcastic tone usually causes you to doubt how he wants you to answer.  Sam thinks he’s funny because of his sarcastic “wit” but his negative commentary is very wearing.  In meetings, he’s free with inflection laden suggestions, usually at the expense of another.  When he’s confronted about his comments, he always denies he said anything wrong. And let’s face it, technically, the words were fine; it was the sarcasm suffocating them that stopped productive communication.

Excitable Ed — Ed is always excited about everything!  You hear him before you see him!  There are lots of exclamation points in his delivery!  His volume is as high as his energy!  He emphasizes various words to make his points, and there are a lot of points to make!  He tends to be positive, but hasn’t come to understand that too much of a good thing is too much!  He makes you tired.  You tune him out because it’s ALL! TOO! MUCH!!

Conversational Callie – Callie is a master communicator.  She uses a variety of pitches and volumes when she speaks.  She draws you in.  Her lower and slower tone of voice attracts your attention…and then she delivers her message with power and humor.  She knows that variety is truly the spice of life, and when she speaks she harnesses that variety so you stay engaged.  Rarely does she speak with sarcasm, so if the joke is on someone, it’s on herself.  You like being around Callie because she uses her tone to build up others and strengthen her message.

I hope these examples have reminded you of what kind of tone can be most effective.  Notice your own tone, and ask yourself if you are communicating the way you really want to, or if you’ve fallen into bad habits.

This is Day 6 of 31 Days of Powerful Communication Skills for Women. You can read all of my #31Days posts here. And check out The Nester’s #Write31Days blog for other great 31 day series.

Question:  Which of these do you think you most closely resemble?  What are some ways you can become more like Callie?  I’d love to hear your comments, just leave them below.

The post Day 6 – Create Your Perfect Voice Part 2 (#31days) appeared first on Christy Largent.

A leader in the tech community she is an entrepreneur and visionary.  Her most recent start up, Build-it Redding, was nominated for the Northern California State Educator of the Year Award in 2013.

Key ideas from her interview:

• Know your strengths and weaknesses and build a team around you to support you in those
• Build relationships first, then all the rest follows
• There is tremendous power in systems – both at work and home

Favorite Book Resource: The 4-Hour Workweek, Expanded and Updated, by Tim Ferriss

Website:  www.builditredding.com

Part 2:  Strategies for Navigating Difficult Conversations

Each Personality Style will approach a difficult conversation differently:

• Yellow – Sunshine Sally:  Avoid and ignore it, cajole the other person into forgetting it
• Red – Action Annie:  She will use force and potentially anger to “bully” someone into seeing it her way
• Blue – Detailed Danielle: She will be passive aggressive as a way to manipulate, or might even withdraw to avoid it all together
• Green – Peaceful Patty:  She will pretend there’s no problem, using procrastination to control until it all blows sky high.

Here is a format you can use to navigate the conversation no matter what your style!

When you – fill in specific action that’s bothering you.

I feel – name the emotion

Because – elaborate on emotion, why you feel that way

I want you to – changed behavior you want to see

Encouraging word of the week:  Romans 12:18  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Good luck with this new way of communicating!  I would love to hear your results.  Just leave your comments in the box below.

The post #006: Faye Hall Interview along with Strategies for Difficult Conversations (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

If you’ve still got questions about how to handle the people in your life, then you’ll want to listen to this final podcast on the personality styles.  In this episode, we’ll conclude our conversation on how to “Fill the Need Tank” of the last two personalities. (For Part 1 on needs, listen to episode #4).

Episodes #2 and #3 covered how to recognize these people in your life.  For more information on that, please listen to those podcasts.

Give the Powerful Choleric – (Action Annie)

• A sense of control
• “Nutshell”
• Credit for their work
• Appreciation

Give the Popular Sanguine – (Sunshine Sally)

• Attention
• Approval
• Acceptance
• Affection (at home ONLY!)

For more information on this topic, I highly recommend a book by Florence Littauer,  Personality Plus. You can get it here.

The biggest takeaway I want you to have from this whole overview is that nobody is wrong – they are just different.  Once you know and understand these different styles and their accompanying needs, you’re better able to build positive connections and enjoy purposeful living.  Stay tuned each week as I add to this topic with tips for working together, diffusing problem behavior,  bringing out the best in others and much more.

Question:  What has been your biggest “Aha” from this series?  How do you think it will improve your life?

The post #005: Understanding Why They Drive You Crazy! Part 2 (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

Episodes #2 and #3 covered how to recognize these people in your life.  For more information on that, please listen to those podcasts.  This podcast and #5 will cover how to “Fill the Need Tank” (in the words of Stephen Covey).

Give the Peaceful Phlegmatic – (Peaceful Patty)

• Lack of Conflict – use a  Low Tone of Voice and Keep a Lack of Intensity in your voice
• Listen to them carefully (Spend time listening)

Give the Perfect Melancholy – (Detailed Danielle)

• Lots and lots and lots of Details
• Time and Space to process those details
• Be specific to show you are sincere

For more information on this topic, I highly recommend the book by Florence Littauer, Personality Plus.  You can get it here.

Be sure to check back for my next episode, or better yet, go to iTunes, subscribe and download the whole series!  It’s all free and I promise you’ll love it.

Question:  What’s a way you’ve been able to fill someone’s emotional tank?  How has it impacted your relationship with the person?  Please leave your thoughts below.

The post #004: Understanding Why They Drive You Crazy! Part 1 (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

The study of The Personalities is very old – dating all the way back to Hippocrates in about 400B.C.  He started it, and still today we are wondering why people act the way they do.  Florence Littauer has written the most user-friendly book on the subject that I have found.  You can find Personality Plus Here.  Back to Hippocrates, he categorized people into 4 basic styles:

Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic and Melancholy.  Today we  still find it useful to recognize these general categories.

In this podcast, I explain in detail about the Powerful Choleric – “Action Annie” and the Peaceful Phlegmatic – “Peaceful Patty”.  If you want to get the full picture of these styles, be sure to listen to the podcast episode 002 for the details.

Powerful Choleric (Red) – Action Annie:  You know her because she is;

• High Energy
• Strong with her words and gestures
• Functional for optimum performance

Her motivator is to BE IN CONTROL!!

Peaceful Phlegmatic (Green)- Peaceful Patty:  You know her because she is;

• Laid Back and Easy Going
• Great sense of Dry Humor
• Great Listener

Her motivator is PEACE AT ANY PRICE!!

The styles basically work together so that you have one dominate with a supporting style.  The natural combinations (which can vary between the two as to most dominant) are:

• Sally Sunshine (Yellow) dominant with Action Annie (Red) secondary or Red dominant with Yellow secondary
• Action Annie (Red) dominant with Detailed Danielle (Blue) secondary or Blue dominant with Red secondary
• Detailed Danielle (Blue) dominant with Peaceful Patty (Green) secondary or Green dominant with Blue secondary
• Peaceful Patty (Green) dominant with Sally Sunshine (Yellow) secondary or Yellow dominant with Green secondary

Remember, you can change positions but you’ll never change teams.  It’s a learning journey.  Hopefully, we are all growing and changing every day.  For more details on this topic, be sure to listen to episode 002, and then check back for episodes 004-005 when I’ll go in to specifics on what to do with these people!  It will be entertaining and educational.  I promise.  After all, I’m a yellow!

P.S. If you haven’t subscribed to these podcasts, please go to iTunes and subscribe.  Then download the episodes so you’re up to date.  Thank you so much!!

Question:  Which of these 4 styles we’ve covered are you?  What are your challenges? What’s easy for you?  How has your style helped you at work and home?  Please leave your answer below.

The post #003: Understanding The Personalities Part 2 (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

The study of The Personalities is very old – dating all the way back to Hippocrates in about 400B.C.  He started it, and still today we are wondering why people act the way they do.  Florence Littauer has written the most user-friendly book on the subject that I have found.  You can find Personality Plus Here.  Back to Hippocrates, he categorized people into 4 basic styles:

Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic and Melancholy.  Today we  still find it useful to recognize these general categories.

In this podcast, I explain in detail about the Sanguine – “Popular Sanguine” and the Melancholy – “Perfect Melancholy”.

Popular Sanguine:  You know her because she is;

• Loud…voice and clothes
• Open…with her body and her life
• Messy…with everything, even her mind!

Her motivator is to HAVE FUN!!!

Perfect Melancholy:  You know her because she is;

• Quiet…voice
• Closed…with her body and personal information
• Analyzed…to the point of analysis paralysis!

Her motivator is for PERFECTION!

These are general ways we recognize the people in our lives.  Be sure to check back for podcast #3 – #5 where I continue with an overview including the very powerful segments on meeting the needs of those who are different than you are.

The post #002: Understanding the Personalities Part 1 (Podcast) appeared first on Christy Largent.

One of my clients, a high-level executive from San Diego, once made this comment; she said, “Christy, I hope you’re going to tell me what to do with these people. I’m telling you, they come into my office, and they go on and on and on and on, and I say to them, Nutshell, nutshell, just give me the nutshell!” I just had to laugh!

But I think we can learn a valuable lesson from the story. It’s a good plan when you’re dealing with these “Nutshellers” to do them (and yourself) a favor. Just give them the nutshell! If they want more information, they will ask. These are the people with whom it’s a good idea to live the “don’t tell until they ask” policy. Speak in bullet points, and get right to the point. When you do this, you will find their attention level will stay high, and they will appreciate your focus.

But what if you’re not the Nutsheller? Well, you’re probably the “Detail Lover”. You know you are this if you tend to be the one going on and on and on and on. You might even notice people get a glazed and dazed expression as you are telling them all the ins and outs of your latest projects. You LOVE the details. And that’s a good thing! We need people who read the directions and pay attention to all the specific stuff.  Imagine if your physician couldn’t be bothered with the details?  What a nightmare!  But if you are able to focus on the details, just be judicious with your use of these precious nuggets of information.

And if you Nutshellers want to make a powerful impression with the detail lovers, ask them for the details. They are truly the experts in all the information you would ever want to know. Tap into their focus on details and experience the benefit as you watch them blossom.

Recognizing which of these two communication types you tend to be can help you communicate more effectively. And, as an added benefit, you’ll get to experience improved relationship and stronger bonds as you “give it to them” as they like it.

Question: Which are you? Nutsheller or Detail lover? I’d love your stories in the comments. Feel free to tell us in your “style”.

The post Are You A Nut…sheller? appeared first on Christy Largent.

Needless to say, when I finally pulled up to the service window, my stress was palpable and I fear I uttered a few not-too-kind words about that pesky Suburban driver.  Imagine my surprise when the Barista, Ashley, responded with solace and a gift along with my eagerly awaited coffee. Instead of stark raving mad, I left that drive-through a raving fan.

What did she do?  She followed a few classic recovery suggestions.  Here are the steps she took that you can take too…

Step #1:  Apologize and Acknowledge you goofed up.  It’s amazing how the words “I’m sorry” can get everyone back on the right track.  Begin with the admission that you did something wrong.  Be careful not to say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.   If you say that, you’re actually shifting the blame to them and away from yourself.  Now is the time to suck it up and apologize.  That’s what the sweet barista Ashley did for me, and she immediately calmed my ruffled feathers.

Step #2:  Put your Listening Ears on and Ask open ended questions, Listen to the answers and then Empathize.  Be careful you don’t jump straight to the fixing portion before you do this step.  Everyone wants to feel heard, and when you take the time to ask and listen first, you’ll be able to move forward with little resistance.  Ashley let me vent and she then calmly moved to step #3, showing me she understood my frustration.

Step #3:  Fix the Problem.  Stat!  After listening, that’s when you want to jump in and fix it as quickly as possible.  Address the specific issue and be as detailed as possible.  Once you have fixed the problem, you should quickly move to Step #4 – which is what Ashley did…

Step #4:  Offer Atonement.  Even before Ashley  gave me my coffee, she reached out and handed me a coupon for a free coffee of my choice anytime, anywhere.  Wow!  I didn’t expect that, but her swift gift (and tiny $5 cost max to the company) did a world of good.  Although I was still late, I was mollified by her thoughtful gesture. Atonement shows you really care.

Step #5  Follow up.  Although Ashley and Starbucks couldn’t do this, most of you can.  After you’ve fixed the problem, be sure to call and follow up in a timely (2-3 days) manner.  Showing you care with this follow up phone call will, I promise, be unexpected and very appreciated.  The extra good part of that phone call is that you’ll get to hear first hand how they are doing with the fix – and make sure they are ok.

Even the most conscientious people occasionally flub up and give poor customer service.  Following this 5 step process will indeed compensate for falling short and convert your clients into Raving Fans.

Question:  What exceptional customer service recovery have you received, or not?  How did it leave you feeling about that company?  Leave your stories below.  I can’t wait to hear from you!

The post 5 Steps From Stark Raving Mad to Raving Fan appeared first on Christy Largent.

So what’s the prescription to knock this evil back?  How can you become a better listener?  I’m glad you asked.  Here are a few suggestions that should send the disease running scared and turn you into a healthy, active listener:

1.  Focus on the other person.  Focus with your body and focus with your mind.  Focus with your body by turning yourself towards the person.  You can actually lean towards them about 7degrees without it seeming weird. Usually, putting your body into a focused position helps you focus your mind on the conversation.  In this case, thoughts will follow action.

2.  Follow with Feedback.  Follow along with feedback as you’re having the conversation.  You can give feedback with your words, by asking follow-on questions, as well as offering verbal “cues” that you are following.  Some cues would be, “really”, “that’s interesting”, “and how’s that?”.  These are easy word cues that encourage the speaker to continue on.  You can also give physical (yet silent) feedback as you nod your head, smile and keep appropriate eye contact.  Hint:  Sometimes silence is the best way of all to follow and encourage more productive conversation.

3.  Avoid the “me too” syndrome.  This is where you insert your personal experience into the conversation at every opportunity. Yes, we want to forge connections and grow intimacy.  Yes, we often think that by offering our own experiences we will build those bonds.  But the reality of “me too” syndrome is that what you intend for relationship building, gets perceived as one-upmanship and will shut off the conversation. Nobody wants to feel like it’s a competition.  Withstand the temptation and keep the conversation focused on them as described above.

A couple resources you can use if this is an area you want to grow are, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently by John C. Maxwell, and the classic How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.  Both of these will put you ahead in the communication game.

It’s wonderful to feel heard.  When you practice, and get good at active listening, you are giving this gift to those in your world.  You are telling them they are important and you care.  The time will come when it will be your turn to talk.  And you can only hope that at that time, you’ll be connecting with someone who also practices active listening.

How about you?  How are your listening skills? What are your challenges?  When have you felt heard?  What did the other person do that made you feel that way?  Please, leave your comments below. 

The post Are You Listening To Me? appeared first on Christy Largent.

1.  Suzie Sunshine:  She is happy, happy, happy.  I know her pollyanna personality can get wearisome and you may be tempted to do something mean to her just to see if she is for real, but trust me, she is genuinely happy by nature and you will hurt her when you do or say something ugly.   So you can reframe her behavior into a positive – and you’ll begin to appreciate it…and her!  She always sees the positive, so listen and watch her response to negative happenings, and then you try to reframe the situation the same way.  I think you’ll find your mood shift as you create the mindset to find the best in things.

2.  Controlling Carl:  Carl likes to be in control. His passion for control gets played out over and over every day.  If he’s not in control, he wants to make sure someone is, and so he powers over everyone to make sure no ball is dropped.  The best thing about this control freak is that he is usually VERY good at being in control!  So my suggestion to you is to let go, quit trying to wrestle control from him, and let him at least think he is in control of the situation.  When you do this, you’ll soothe his ruffled feathers, and his intensity may dial down a notch as he is comforted by his own efforts. Furthermore, when you need to control the situation, do yourself a favor and let Carl think he is in control.  It will be your little secret, and Carl will be much easier to get along with.

3.  Detailed Debbie:  Oh my goodness.  Debbie is a wizard with details.  Her mind is like a steel trap capturing every morsel of minutia.  So you can either fight it and keep telling her it will all be fine, and for her to keep her eye on the big picture, or you can just give it to her.  Give her the details.  Waaaaay more than you think you need to give her.  There’s no such thing as too many details for this gal, so go ahead and dump them on her.  Then step back, give her time to process and voila!  You’ll’ll be headed in the right direction.  She’ll back off and you’ll be free to more forward in the next direction.  And, just like with Sunshine Sally, you can be thankful she’s there to catch the details.  You benefit when all the details are taken care of.  Reframe your mind to be thankful, not irritated.

4.  Procrastinating Pete:  Pete will get around to doing the job set before him.  He’ll just find the quickest and easiest way to do it, and his procrastination will drive you over the edge if you let it.  The good news is that Pete usually does perform and live up to what’s required of him, it’s just you must realize that Pete will not do it the way you think he should do it – he’ll do it his way.  Procrastination is just his way to control his life, and you’d better get used to it rather than try to force him to change it.  Incidentally, communicating with him in a calm and low-key manner is the most effective way to get your message across.  If you yell and scream, he’ll just tune you out and you’ll get nowhere.

So as you can see, these styles are distinctly different.  There is no right or wrong.  Each brings a strength,  something wonderful to your world and you can learn from each.  So, rather than look at someone who is not like you as an irritant, I’m encouraging you to step back, asses their strengths in a productive light, and you’ll be able to move forward with improved relationships and increased productivity!

Question:  Where do you think you fit?  Which area do you usually struggle with?  And what suggestions can you add to my list of how to work together more effectively in light of the various styles?

The post He’s Driving Me Crazy! appeared first on Christy Largent.

First, you want to do a quick assessment of who you are and then who you are working with.  Regardless of the profile you used to access your information about the various styles, one way to figure out who you are and who they are, is to take a look at what “coping strategies” you see exhibited when under stress.

The coping strategies you might see exhibited under stress:

Positive Polly: (Yellow Sanguine)

• Laughing too much
• Making a joke about a serious situation
• Hyper positive
• Extra- over the top Energy
• Moving to resolution too fast

Powerful Peter: (Red Choleric)

• Extreme anger
• Control Freak-ism goes into high gear
• Raised voice and heavy gestures
• High intensity and focus

Peaceful Paul: (Green Phlegmatic)

• Shut down
• Withdraw
• Won’t give any feedback
• Space-out and avoid conversation

Perfect Patty: (Blue Melancholy)

• Become negative about everything (Negaholic!)
• Withdraw – give you the cold shoulder
• Moodiness becomes extreme
• Overwhelming attention to details

Look this list over and it will be fairly easy to clarify which category you fall into.  (And of course you can figure out that person who has been driving you crazy too!) Once you have figured out where you fit, now let’s look at some strategies for creating a supportive environment for each.

If you are Positive Polly:

1. Stop laughing (or giggling)!  It’s really not that funny.
2. Take a deep breath. Slow down and shut up.  Your tendency to talk-talk-talk is really irritating at the moment of stress.  Remember, others process differently than you do and most require quiet.
3. Wait for others to ask for your input or advice and they won’t perceive you as irritating.

If you are Powerful Peter:

1. Take a deep breath and sit down.  Physically slowing yourself down is important, as the physical action will allow you to mentally regroup.
2. Remember that you’re not the only one who can be in control.  Other people bring value to the situation.  They may do it differently than you do, but they’re still valuable.
3. Don’t give in to your desire to control through rage.  People will be scared of you, and you WILL be a bully. You may get your way in the short term, but long term you are burning bridges and weakening relationships.

If you are Peaceful Paul:

1. Don’t let yourself withdraw from the situation.  You will want to but you must find a way to engage.  If you remove yourself you will alienate those you most want to engage with.  You will also cause people to think ill of you if the perception is you’re weak and uninvolved.
2. Look at people when you speak with them.  Use face and body gestures when you communicate.  You will have to practice this, since under stress you completely shut down.  But the practice will be worth it when you successfully negotiate an uncomfortable conversation.
3. When you experience perceived (or real) conflict, develop a strategy to stay in the game.  Speak up.  Lean forward. Count to 10 in your head then start thinking of ways to respond.  If you have a strategy, you will not succumb to your normal pattern of disengagement, and will be seen as a committed, engaged team member, committed to the success of the team.

If you are Perfect Patty:

1. Don’t give in to the tendency of negativity.  Instead, look for the positives that can come from the situation.  Your habit of seeing the worst can be broken by training your mind to search for the positive.
2. Give other people the benefit of the doubt and accept their comments at face value.  Don’t judge too harshly and don’t look for a hidden agenda.  There’s not one. (Usually).
3. Recognize that others don’t care about all the specific details as much as you do.  Don’t start “going down your list” unless someone asks you to.  Deliver details only upon demand.

We are all a mixture of these…more on that later!

Question:  Where do you fit?  What’s your style and that of your mate? children?  Have these differences every caused you problems?  Leave your comments below. Can’t wait to hear from you!

The post Who Am I and What Can I Do About It? appeared first on Christy Largent.

My History with The Personalities

Mid 70‘s:  A book called Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye was making the rounds and as a pre-teen I picked it up and read it.  Didn’t understand a thing, but loved the idea of the various personalities.

Late 80’s:  Small, tight singing groups (think Wilson Phillips and First Call) were all the vogue.  In the interest of getting tighter, the director of my group introduced us to Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types
Well, I gobbled that book up and discovered I was an ENFJ, my husband was an ESTJ, and we were actually quite incompatible.  That’s about all I learned, (not helpful) but I still loved the idea of the various personalities.

Mid 90’s:  20 years and one divorce from my first exposure to the concept of personality styles.  I was no closer to understanding myself, much less what went wrong in my marriage, but I still loved the idea of the various personalities.  Thankfully, that’s when I was introduced to Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself by Florence Littauer.  Now HERE was some information I could use! Practical and full of application for everyday life, I dove into that book like the lifeline it was.  I even got trained by Florence herself on how to teach the material and I started shouting it from the rooftops any chance I had.

Interestingly, this passion for understanding how people get along was the start of my speaking career.  I had fun with, and was good at, teaching the information in a meaningful way.  Most importantly, people were eating this info up with a spoon!  And a career was born.

Current Day:

As I’ve taught this material, over the years a few key ideas have emerged

• Deep down, most people really want to understand and get along with the important people in their lives.  (Husband, wife, kids, parents, coworkers and clients.)
• People are hungry for tools to understand and engage positively with these people.
• The knowing (understanding) is actually fairly simple.  It’s the doing that’s difficult.
• It’s long process and no matter how much you practice it’s still difficult to get out of yourself and into the other person.  (I’m selfish and I want to do things MY WAY!)

The doing can be learned…you just have to want to do it.

What about you?  Are you interested in this subject? How would your life change if you were able to connect more effectively with those in your life?

The post Why The Personalities? appeared first on Christy Largent.